Avast, me hearties!

"Hello, beastie!"

I've rarely agreed with Robert W. Butler, the Kansas City Star film critic.
He opened his July 11 column thus: "If you're looking for an apology, stop reading now." Butler was responding to feedback he received after giving "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" just 1 1/2 stars.

History - fleeting as it is - will show the movie's opening weekend brought in $132 million, the most successful opening in Hollywood history.

Butler concluded that he reviews movies, but the moviegoers have the final vote. "That's the way it's supposed to work," he wrote.

On that, I agree.

When I reviewed movies for the St. Joseph Gazette, I foolishly wrote that if "Chariots of Fire" won Best Picture, I'd quit reviewing. I ate crow, waited a few weeks, and started writing reviews again. To get paid to watch movies? It's a beautiful thing and a luxury not to be trifiled with. It's like sportswriters who complain about pressboxes - don't poke at it, boys, as it might bite back.

Now, let's talk pirates.

Is Captain Jack Sparrow the best movie pirate ever? He is to many. Johnny Depp created an original, memorable character who keeps us coming back for more.

I saw "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" four times and "Dead Man's Chest" twice ... so far. But if they would put on the big screen - and I mean the w-i-d-e screen it was made for - I would pay twice the price to see Burt Lancaster as Captain Vallo in "The Crimson Pirate."

If you call either of Depp's "Pirates" an "action movie," "The Crimson Pirate" is a super-duper, packed-to-the-crow's-nest action extravaganza! Imagine if you will a 1952 film. No way you can create Davy Jones and his crew, let alone his ship. The two best "effects" this movie has are "Technicolor" (which was HOT at the time) and Burt Lancaster.

If you've never see a Lancaster movie, you have missed a treat. He was a true Hollywood star - full of life and "bigger than the silver screen," as they used to see. When he gave the command, "All hands on deck," you jumped and wiped the salt-sea spray from your face.

Stunts? Burt did most of them himself, along with his comic sidekick Ojo, played by Nick Cravat. Lancaster and Cravat were former trapeze partners, so when they do stunts, they are doing some stunts!

Double feature of Burt and Johnny? No, they're different pirates from different times. If you can rent "The Crimson Pirate," see if you can also get your hands on "His Majesty O'Keefe." Burt isn't a pirate this time, but he's a captain on the high seas.

See those two and you'll still be back with me next summer to see "Pirates III," but you'll have an entirely new appreciation for pirates. Sabe?